The great weight debate

I have not written a honest to goodness heartfelt blog in a minute I realize, but that is because I have gotten in a bit of a social pickle with my honesty in past blog entries and rather than censor myself I just declined to write at all. They say that the pen is mightier than the sword, and that words hurt etc. and apparently that is true. My friend Allison and I have this joke that every time I send out an email or an invite here in So. Ill I manage to offend someone. Either I have a strange sense of humor that no one else gets or I am just outright offensive. For example I asked that my guests not bring Wal-Mart potato salad to Easter because it was a nice meal which was evidently offensive. I don’t get that one at all, its offensive to me that anyone would even entertain that thought of doing that. I also declined an invite to go berry picking on a 96 degree day because and I quote " I don’t like to play day laborer on the weekends”. Ok now I can see how that might be a little offensive.


Meh, that's just me though.


I started this blog as a forum to express what I was going through, and to share my experiences with my peeps back home. The trouble arose when I relayed frustrations about situations out here that were then read by people who took offense, and now they don’t talk to me or invite me to things. To be fair though I never said anything in blog form that I would not have said in real life, I don’t know if that is really a good justification for inadvertently hurting people’s feelings though.So long story short that is why I have not been as forthright with you as I have been in the past.


To fill you in on what I am currently pondering I have been thinking much about the subject of weight. In particular mine obviously and really trying to go back to the roots of my issues with food/happiness/love and how they all play into my life. A few summer ago I went on this big great health kick and lost tons of weight I was working out everyday and followed my Weight Watchers guidelines like they were biblical decrees. That super healthy period of my life though was motivated by loneliness and boredom, My life was basically work out and cook painstakingly healthy meals because I had nothing better to do. The same can be said when I came back from Ireland thinner, I walked everywhere and was so homesick that I made myself physically sick and food just did not seem that appealing. The thinnest I have been in the past decade was a direct result of mono and you should read some of the stuff I wrote in that period, holy melodramatic batman. Which leads me to beg the question what about misery makes me healthier, or at least thinner?


Why is it that when I am super happy I gain all this weight, which in turn makes me less happy?
What a truly vicious cycle.


I don't think it is an uncommon plight at all. You see and hear about people who suffer tragedies all the time who lose dramatic amounts of weight, and of course the dreaded 'boyfriend weight' where you finally feel comfortable and loved so you eat more cheese and drink more beer. What is the balance?


I have never been, nor will I ever be a 'thin girl'. This is not self-pitying or self deprecating and I don't feel bad thinking or saying that. I have never wanted to be 'thin', all of my role models throughout my entire life have been curvy if not downright plump and I think they are beautiful. That being said I hate arm fat and muffin tops and not having my clothes fit properly, so there is definitely a balance to strike between being healthy and feeling good about yourself. I have been on some form of Weight Watchers since I was 8 years old as I have always been a big girl, who needed special shoes and could not fit into Mudd jeans in middle school. Thats fine, and I am glad that I was taught how to eat properly from a young age.


However, there is a distinct difference between knowing what to do to be healthy and actually living it. It is one thing to know that Taco Bell is not a healthy choice and it is another to not crave nachos Belle Grande at 3pm on an idle Tuesday. I did not grow up around food that was bad for me. There were never chips, or cookies or junk in the house. I remember alot of stir fry's and eating Boca burgers before they were mainstream. Mom bought some junk for scrawny Jonny which I hoarded and ate with shame in dark closets while shunning my well intentioned Snack Wells supply (I bet I could compete in a contest involving shoving a Jelly Roll into your mouth in record time), but there was never overt bad for you food at my disposal. One cannot remain sheltered forever though and there will always be birthday parties, and sleepovers and as you get older it turns into birthday parties with wine and pasta instead of pop and pizza. Both are fabulously fun and dangerously detrimental to a diet.



I think of it like being a zombie. You never realized how good something tasted that was bad for you until you try it. Blissful ignorance if you will. Then after that first time someone told you that pizza taste better dipped in ranch dressing all you can do is walk around crying "brains". As my Aunt Marcy would say it is a slippery slope and it does not take a giant leap in circumstance to go from putting too much bacon on your salad at a salad bar to putting to many egg rolls on your plate at a Chinese buffet. In fact I am going to go ahead and compare bacon to any other gateway drug, it leads to nothing good except perhaps delicious B.L.T's, carbonara's and the perfect thing to dip in syrup at breakfast time.

SEE!

See how easy it is to go from being a health nut to a fantasizing fat kid?!? Is this just me or does everyone have this problem. It is clear that I have food issues, which I think is comparable to other girls who have "bad boy" complexes. Instead of liking the guy in the leather jacket and mussed hair, I fall in love with the Sergio's boys who bring me chimichangas.


*Just as a momentary point of clarification does recognizing and acknowledging that I do this make it more or less disturbing? *


So here I am now at the realization that I am not treating my body very well and need to get back on track. It is not to look good in a bikini because that ship sailed for me when I was five years old, it is more about just being more confident in my appearance. Ultimately I think I would like to be able to wear my prom dress again, because it is vintage and pretty. Gus and I have (re) joined Weight Watchers and I am doing it online because the nearest meeting is in, you guessed it KENTUCKY. Bananas.


I am going to keep you updated on my progress but I don't want this to be a talking point when I see you. I don't want you to look me up and down and say to yourself "gee she looks the same", or "did she always have that many chins?". I don't want this revelation to be a point of contention. If I see you and I am dipping curly fries in ranch then so be it. I do not give you the right to judge or criticize because at the time I clearly thought it was a good idea, and I am the only one responsible for making sure my zipper goes all the way to the top without needing some form of hardware to assist. I hate when people express the desire to change themselves and then their actions are nit picked and derided, it really is a lifestyle and nothing happens overnight. Not saying you guys would do that to me, but I think the second you tell yourself you can't have something (Chick-Fil-A cookies and cream milk shake) then all you do is want that thing even more.


I am telling you about my past and present and hopes for the future so that I can know in the back of my mind that I am accountable for my decisions and there are people out there who wish me success. It is more than a little ironic though that Hermie is out here studying the affects of marijuana on the brain and all this research was just done linking fatty foods to the same pleasure responses that drug addicts get. Interesting indeed. I will try to keep you better posted, while maintaining the honesty and integrity of my thoughts and real time responses. For now I think it would be fun if you guys wrote in the comment box what your food addictions are, your comfort foods if you will. It would make me feel better to know that as the former ousted leader of the Fat Kids Club (I have since been overthrown by my super skinny brother) that there are other recovering addicts out there just like me.


Puff, puff, pass y'all :)