A Total Eclipse of the Heart (i.e.the truth about my Stockholm Syndrome and an exit interview as I leave my home)

So who knew I would ever write a post like this one?

Way, way back in October of 2009 I packed all of my worldly possessions into a U-Haul (including but not limited to all of my prom and formal dresses which my parents evidently thought I would have loads of use for) and with my father and bunny rabbit drove out through the mountains to what would be my new home in Murphysboro, Il. I was nervous and excited and sad. I loved my boyfriend and could not envision doing a long distance relationship for years, and I knew that we would not have a future if I did not move out with him. It was really one of those "are you in or out?" type moments and I decided that I was in. Once I pick a path I usually blindly and stubbornly stick with it and this one was no exception.

I had a truly idyllic life in Colonial Williamsburg living in a cottage with my bunny and flitting around doing karaoke and spending loads of time on 64 driving all around visiting my friends and family who were just a short drive away. I loved my job, my boyfriend and my life so it was super bittersweet packing it all up and moving it all out. Not going to lie I gave Gus a ridiculously hard time during this transition, sometimes his tolerance of my miserable whininess is damn near saintly.

He had bought this adorable little house, in this small town in the mid-west and we were going to start a new life separate from everything we knew and were familiar with and we were going to do it together. It was terrible. The worst. Even with the hazy lens of hindsight I can't erase how difficult that transition was. We had no money and were fighting constantly. Gus worked crazy long hours, I was alone and unemployed, we were super poor. I think I probably cried more in the month of October 2009 than I have at any other point in my life (including all the combined 12 times I have watched Titanic). It would have been really easy to just give it up. Shake hands and mutually decide that it was simply not going to work out. Being so far away from my comfort zone was not worth all the fighting and loneliness.

I honestly cannot tell you how we got through that patch because as with lots of difficult things in life we tend to kind of gloss over and revise in our minds how truly rough they were and focus on the joy, and there was joy. Being away from everyone forced Herms and I to spend obscene amounts of time together talking about literally everything and anything. We had not lived together really prior to the move so getting used to each others habits and preferences was challenging. There was the classic toilet seat battle. I was settling in and we were making this little house our home. Decorating it, adding pictures, buying plates and picture frames and things that accumulate (oh Lord don't they accumulate) and eventually make the place you are living in feel more like you, feel more like home.

I was not sold on the area yet, I didn't care for those in his co-hort through no fault of their own. They were more academic and had different ways of socializing than I did. It was easy for me then to write them off as lame, but looking back they were just too different from myself and I could not find a common ground (outside of wine that is, everyone loves wine). Coming back home after that first Christmas was bad. Only a matter of weeks later Gus and I adventured out to Cape Girardeau where we met an amazing woman, who owns an amazing shop named Miss. Paula and I cannot emphasize this enough that trip changed everything. It was like things cleared up and made sense again. There were still kind, loving, fun people about I just had to find them and so I would.

My brother used to tell me that I could conquer a new place in 6 months. Be it a new high school, college, Ireland give me six months and I would know the people I would need to know to make a place awesome. Southern Illinois was a harder nut to crack but after meeting Paula it was like the jolt of sparkle and the kick of kindness that I needed to get back on track. We worked harder at reaching out. We were still poor but we hosted game nights, we threw what I think will go down as one of the most epic housewarming parties of all time, we got a dining coupon card and tried every restaurant on it. I got a part time job that crushed my soul but allowed me to go crazy at Hobby Lobby, and with a little extra money we could have more adventures. Around this time also a little chiweenie named Anna literally ran into our lives, and having an adorable puppy who loves you unconditionally cannot help but make you feel happy and optimistic. Anna Bananas arrival was both well timed and prophetic as her arrival seemed to coincide perfectly with our  new rosy outlook on life.

Once I realized that you can't walk around saying how much you hate a place and expect the place to love you my world changed dramatically. While out here I have made friends who will truly be my friends for life (not in the hokey signing a yearbook way). Most of them have been enablers of my love of something, be it jewelry (Paula), queso (my Sergio's boys), great beer (Ken and Matt), chicken tenders (Mike and Kie), fun adventures (Allison), oh how the list goes on. This list makes me sound like a fat, boozy, materialistic wench which at times I was allowed to be.

Living out so far from everyone Gus and I were allowed free reign to live life without worrying about anyone else's opinions. You would be surprised at how liberating that is. If we wanted to spend an entire weekend watching a season of Breaking Bad and eating Chinese food we could. We had no real obligations to anyone other than each other. Which could sometimes be awesome, and sometimes reduced me to a big sloppy mess when I missed out on things like Mother's Day or my brothers birthday, or the birth of one of my closest friends child.

Writing this I am making our life our here seem like some sort of summer camp free of responsibility or concern which is not at all true. I have worked a variety of soul suckingly terrible jobs out here that have made me question my worth as a human being. We always had to make sure the mortgage was paid on time. Gus had a crazy, exhausting, soul sucking academic career to complete including presenting, writing and defending his master's thesis, writing several grants, studying for and passing his preliminary examinations, applying for internships and now it will be applying for post doctoral positions. He managed to accomplish all the while working often 40-50 hours a week in the lab and taking a full course load. He truly is a rockstar.

 

 

Eventually I began working for the Integrative Neuroscience Laboratory where Gus worked and started feeling more like a real girl, and less like the dregs of society. Talking to drug addicts all day is not for everyone but it was great being on campus and finally interacting with people again. I have had a total of four jobs since I have moved here which roughly breaks down to a new job every year and working in the lab and for the Alzheimer's Association were the best experiences and I am grateful I got to work for these people and causes.

While we were trying all the wineries on the wine trail and settling into our schedules and roles our relationship got closer too. The boy who I moved out to live with, who I love very much proposed to me and is now my husband (which you already knew because you were totes there and me mentioning this will leave you with a lingering crab cake craving for the remainder of the day). The ring was bought from the little fairy Godmother who made me realize the potential of my new life which to me is just so meaningful. People out here were so excited and supportive and while it was too far to attend there was lots of love coming from here during the wedding weekend.

Which leads me now to the Stockholm syndrome, the admittedly thinner young lady who moved out here four years ago kicking and screaming is no more. This dawned on me yesterday I actually kind of love it out here. I Erin Frances Greene truly do heart So. Ill. WTF mate? When did that happen?

Was it when Gus got the chance to dress up and be Captain Applesauce for the day, or maybe it happened sitting with my amazing neighbors around Uranus drinking cheap beers and telling crazy stories. Is it that I can buy a fountain bev for $.86 from a store that I can (safely) walk to? Did my heart open up to Murphysboro after having the best chimichanga ever, or was it when the manager of Sergio's and not my husband bought me a pink birthday cake? Could it be Friday Night Lights at the Bluffs, or all of the nights playing Cards Against Humanity? Maybe it was George from George's Resale and his gift of the most beautiful necklace , and my Christmas vests and the crazy tales of his life as a former stripper. For a place so seemingly isolated it is never dull.

One might argue that I do well as a big fish in a small pond. I can admit that. I love knowing peoples names and stories and talking to them. There is a pattern and predictability living out here. Murphsyboro's motto might as well be "the more things change the more they stay the same". That is comforting to me, its safe. I love my house and the memories that I have made in it. I love my neighbors and the people here who over the years have become such great friends.

I am scared of moving to Baltimore. Not going to lie to you. I am going through the cycle of emotions all over again the same way I did when I moved out here. Ostensibly now I will be closer to my friends and family and can pick back up where I left off, but you can never do that because time marches on. My parents have moved, my girlfriends are all getting married and having babies. Things have not remained frozen in time while I evolved into a mid-westerner and I am apprehensive about learning the ins and outs of a new city where I will no longer be a beloved (or at the very least tolerated) entity. There is so much I am going to miss here.

I will miss being a "regular" and having a "usual" order. I will miss driving to Cape or down 127 in the fall when everything is changing colors. I will miss playing croquet at the Gazebo at Walkers Bluff with Gus and pizza at Quattros on Wednesdays. I will miss having the largest closet I will most likely ever have again in my life (I am not shallow, square footage is an amazing thing). I will miss taking Salty Dick chips and hummus to the Bluffs and cackling and judging the people drinking Bud Lights. I will miss visiting Paula and Mike and Claire in Cape. I will miss living in a neighborhood where it is safe to walk Anna. I will miss our friends who grew to embrace the theme.

There are obviously things I will not miss like the thinly veiled racism, driving 14 hours every time I wanted to go home, and the total and complete lack of any good Italian food (Cummares is not good Italian #sorrynotsorry). Overall though I am leaving this place a changed woman, with a broader understanding of myself and my place in this world, eww that sounds way deeper than I meant it to. What I meant was that I changed. I was able to embrace something that I never thought I could and instead of just surviving I think that Herms and I were able to thrive out here. I, the same girl who started out as the biggest hater-ator am really deep down devastated about leaving my life out here. I never saw it coming either, packing the house up and preparing to move this week has opened a crazy box of emotions I never knew I had.

I am comforted in knowing we are leaving our house in great hands to a couple we have known for years who will take great care of Elm St. and will no doubt make amazing memories of their own. I am also excited about getting my membership to the National Aquarium and eating lots of crab cakes whenever I want. It would be silly of me to think that things will stay the same forever but Gus and I really are leaving a little bit of ourselves, a little bit of the magic behind here in So. Ill.

In true Abba fashion I want to thank all of you who contributed to our adventure out here for the memories. What could have been a dreadful four year stint in the heartland turned into a surprisingly fabulous and lovely experience. Again I say who knew I would ever write this? That girl back in October of 2009 sure as hell didn't but I am grateful I am no longer that girl. The girl who has been packing her life up this week will arrive in Baltimore a week from today with an open mind and an open heart ready to dominate the next city. Wish me luck loves xoxo