but keep the old!This entry might be a little rambling but I have been doing alot of thinking lately about relationships and how they change, grow or sometime simply fade away. This weekend I went to visit my oldest friend Dani (we have literally been friends since we were 6) in Missouri where she was staying on a business trip. Friday was her 26th birthday so we were able to celebrate together and catch up. Now I have not seen Dani in over a year and a half despite the fact that I used to lived just three hours away but life, jobs and obligations came up and we never were able to get our schedules aligned to visit. Excuses, excuses right?
So anyways we were able to get together and it was like no time has passed at all... huge things have happened in our lives but she is still Dani we are still best friends and it did not matter that I don't talk to her every week on the phone or email her constantly, time has not changed the fundamental bond of our relationship.
In contrast I have realized that there are other relationships that have not stood up to that same test of time and it has recently begun to make me crazy sad. There are big things happening in my friends lives which they are not including me in or sharing with me, and it is very difficult to not feel left out, or left behind. But I suppose that it just part of the growing up process. I think some of it stems from me moving away, maybe they don't care for my choice of boyfriend or believe in some of the decisions I have made and instead of trying to understand I have been written off. Which is painful especially since I already feel very alone and isolated out here being so far away from my friends and family.
Last week I was having quite a pity party for myself feeling like I had no friends and no joy. Poor dear Gus. That is why this weekend with Dani could not have come at a better time. She understood and reassured me that there were still relationships out there that I could rely on. I keep longing for my past relationships with my friends and that is unrealistic. I am never going to be able to go back to my college days and have those same relationships. My friends have grown up, gotten married, moved away and started different lives and those lives do not necessarily include me anymore. Yes that hurts, sometimes alot but it happens to everyone. It just makes me want to keep those that I love close and make sure that they feel special and understand how much they mean to me.
It also makes me realize that there are people who I no longer need to put the energy towards because they have long since written me off. Instead of feeling rejected I am going to try to put that energy into being constructive.... emailing more, blogging more... putting more effort into making loved ones feel valued and important. A few months ago I went on a huge snail mail campaign and sent presents, letters, etc. to friends who I had not really talked to in a while. I did it because it made me feel good, it was a way for me to feel connected and it gave me a project that was fun. Dani told me this weekend that the package I had sent came at the perfect time, she had been having a terrible day and she said getting that mail reminded her that she had people who loved her in the universe. That was the point :)
You would be surprised though at the amount of people who did not even acknowledge to me that they had received their packages......
Part of this nasty aging process is prioritizing and focusing on the things that make you the happiest. Cutting out the negativity and the hurt feelings and going back to the people and things that have always given you lovely fuzzy feelings. This visit with Dani was a Godsend, and these revelations could not have come at a better time. Wish me luck on the next step of the journey :)
