I have not indulged myself in a good old fashioned rant in a while and so I feel at liberty to whine and moan about what I feel is a new epidemic in my life and more importantly the world in a much broader sense. Now I know that I don't often fill you in on the negative aspects of my time spent out here in So. Ill because quite frankly I really try to use my blogging as an exercise in positivity. If I am able to search the events that are happening in my life and come up with some positive and uplifting things then I feel more hopeful and less woe-is me, It is not always easy to be positive, and being negative is practically effortless so I strive to work that little bit harder and play the glad game Pollyanna style.
Before I launch into my bitter diatribe I will disclose what I am glad about. First of all I take comfort in knowing that I have incredible friends and family who love me all over the world. Whenever I am in the dregs and completely depressed about my social situation out here I pull up mental images of smiling, hugging, laughing happiness and am immediately soothed. Secondly I have an incredible boyfriend who indulges my need for socializing and is in himself that best company that I could ever ask for. These things give me a constant source of strength and confidence and help taper out my frustrations with the rest of the commoners.
Here is the problem. I love to entertain, that is what I enjoy doing. I love going out to dinner and throwing and attending parties. I love planning for events, and stressing over menu options and what I am going to wear. I really enjoy the process and the actual occasion itself. That is why my job in Williamsburg was perfect for me. It was nothing but a non stop array of parties, weddings and social networking. It was glorious. In that similar spirit I have thrown several large parties at our Elm St. house and countless more little intimate occasions like game nights. At all of these parties I always make sure that there is an abundance of delicious food (often themed around the event) and plenty for everyone to drink taking into consideration allergies and personal preferences. There is also entertainment, a clean warm place to hang out, and we always offer to let people stay the night ( on a comfy well appointed queen sized bed no less!) if they feel like they can't drive. Literally all that I ask of guests at my house is that they show up and entertain me. Not to make them sound like dancing monkey's or anything but I really don't ask very much of people. But apparently these simple little nuances of polite society and proper etiquette are just too much for these brilliant twenty somethings to comprehend or appreciate.
Case in point. I know I shared all of my fun housewarming pictures with you but I don't know if I informed you of the dark side of the housewarming soiree. The invites I sent out specified cocktail attire and in a tongue in cheek way I jokingly wrote "denim need not apply". Not only did I have people arrive in jeans, but I had someone wear a trash bag. An honest to goodness hefty bag pinned up to look like a strapless dress with tights. This guest then went on to use large amounts of profanity among my other guests (some of whom were her professors) and then got drunk (on our top shelf liquor selection) and stuffed cheesecake down my bathtub drain. If you are shaking your head in disgust and asking yourself "really who does that?" then you are not alone.
The second caveat to this party was that we called it a "stock our bar" party understanding full well that the concept of bringing a gift to a housewarming party would be completely lost on the majority of our guests. Of course we did not rely on anyone else to provide the alcohol for the occasion, we had a keg (of a wonderful micro brew, not Natty Light) a festive Sangria, and several bottles of premium liquor to make mixed drinks. It was classy. To help us stock our bar we had guests bring us and I am not making this up bottles of Arbor Mist, Boones Farm, B & J Wine Coolers, and the equivalent of a handle of Aristocrat vodka. Now I am not trying to sound snobby or elitist but this was a cocktail party. Gus wore a tuxedo for crying out loud, wine coolers ?!? What year is this? As if that were not bad enough we had guests then proceed to drink too much, get sick all over our guest room and then had the audacity to blame it on us for having too many options to drink. These people are in their thirties by the by.
I am sure that I come off as obnoxious but I was blown away. Never had I ever seen people act like this anywhere, and I was in a sorority for goodness sakes. I went to my share of crazy parties, and have been a hot mess at times. But I have never blamed the host for my behavior, or purposefully trashed their house out of spite. The question that continues to run through the theme of this entire blog entry will be "who does that?", and the answer my friends is I have no idea.
The reason why I bring up these past indiscretions of my local acquaintances is that these annoyances with these people have not disappeared but have only compounded as the months have gone by. For our housewarming we invited everyone from all of Gus's numerous programs, professors, neighbors, everyone. We threw out a huge net and as a result a wide array of very different groups attended the party. Which is great there is something to be said for having variety at your first big house party. The other thing was that we were able to see who we enjoyed spending time with, and who was just a massive waste of space. Well at least I did. Gus gets along basically with everyone and does not take peoples actions personally the same way I do. It is both an endearing and completely annoying trait. So over the next few months we choose small selective groups to spend time with, over the summer we hosted croquet parties, had cookouts, and got groups together to watch the World Cup matches. All organized by yours truly.
There were lingering frustrations though. First of all I think I resent the fact that I have not gotten to choose our group of friends ( who are really just circumstantial acquaintances). These are people who are in Gus's classes and work in the lab and who he sees on a daily basis. These are not people who were it not for finding ourselves out here in this situation we would normally choose to spend time with, or at least who I would choose to spend time with. These are not people who will be invited (or who would come) to our wedding, or who I would call if my car broke down and I needed someone to come pick me up off the side of the road. These are not people who are interested when I have good news to celebrate, and they have generally written me off as a high maintenance and dramatic member of their super smart and obnoxiously excluding circle. Which is why I think I work that much harder to win them over. It comes from that natural compulsion I have to make everyone like me and think I am great, and really you can't do that all the time because quite frankly it is exhausting.
So I started my own little rebellions, I refuse to go to their little hang out hole in the wall bar because I have always hated it and somehow always leave in tears. Plus it smells super bad. I have worked to become closer to the handful of people whose company I really enjoy and who I would like to be better friends with, at the exclusion perhaps of the "old guard". I have alienated people by becoming more vocal about my disappointments and refusing to be the completely vapid, easy going girlfriend they think I should be. I stirred the pot, and it made me feel good.
A beloved Aunt of mine has a saying that sometimes in life you have to go along to get along, and to a certain point I agree. You can't always be fighting because it gets frustrating and wears you down but you do have to pick your battles and some things are worth getting your feathers fluffed for. To me my happiness out here cannot be completely reliant upon Gus. It just can't be because he is super busy and only one man and yes I can be slightly demanding and high maintenance. Originally much of my unhappiness stemmed from my unemployment and lack of direction. I now have a good job that I enjoy that I don't have to be ashamed to put on a resume and will help me later on in life so now my focus has shifted. I am in the best relationship ever, and I have a great job why can't I just be happy with the blessings I am given I constantly ask myself. But the flip side of that is that I am lonely. I live very far from my support group, Gus works 70 hour weeks and I am left with lots of time just by myself. That is when you need friends. You need to be able to call someone to see a movie, or go to the mall or just to come over and sit in pajamas and watch bad reality television. I need that, I am not an island of one for crying out loud!
The problem is that you can't go trolling bars for girlfriends, a suggestion that Gus has repeatedly offered up as the solution to my conundrum to which he gets an eye roll and a prolonged deep sigh. I joined something online called "Meet - Up" which has been fun and I have gone to a few of their events, but they are much older than I am and most are at very different points in their lives with babies and husbands and gross grown up responsibilities. I have been trying to strengthen some friendships with girls in Gus's clinical program but they are super uber busy just like him and you have to plan things weeks in advance if you want to see them. Plus ironically the counseling kids are super dramatic to the point where my mother upon hearing of their latest scandal referred to it as 'middle school-ish". Well said Momma Greene. It is hard to get to invested in the mindless squabbling of people you don't really care about. I might as well spend that time watching the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, it is the same level of inane but the women are at least better dressed.
I told you this was going to be a catty, whiny post. But I am being brutally honest.
The straw that finally broke the camels back was this weekend. We had a small get together for an "Ugly Sweater Christmas Party" I offered to host the party after the original hostess got too overwhelmed trying to cater to all the drama of her group. Instead of having an awkward, estranged party we just opted to have it on Elm St. where the guest list would be up to my discretion and no drama would be allowed. Last Monday I sent an email out to 13 carefully selected people who I enjoy spending time with and who have proved themselves fun and entertaining in the past. As of Saturday at 5 I had received an R.S.V.P. from two of those guests, or 15% of the party. Now of course I am always going to have enough food and alcohol for everyone regardless, but had I gone by my last count of people who said they were coming I would have had a five person party. When it was all said and done that night we had twelve other people show up. Two who were not invited and no one even thought to text me and see if it was alright if they brought a friend. I realize I sound like I am really splitting hairs (holy cliche Batman) but it is rude. No one apologized, my hostess gift was a half eaten bakery Red Velvet cake (who does that?) and the party went on with me constantly in the kitchen mixing drinks and cleaning up.
It wound up being a fun night and I am glad we did it but every time I entertain I grow a little bit more wary, and a great deal more disappointed. It is not funny to joke about domestic violence but the only thing I can compare it to is being in an abusive relationship with yourself essentially. Every time I put my heart and soul in to a party or occasion only to be upset with the glaring reality of my current situation. Yet I keep coming back from more refusing to learn my lessons..The exception to this I must add was our recent home tour which had virtually no friend interaction, and had the awesome overarching glow of my mothers amazingness so that event could not be tainted.
Isn't the very definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over expecting different results? Do I ever learn? To me becoming a hermit and sitting in the basement alone with my puppy and my glue gun is not an option. I need people and excitement. I need to be out in the world living life and learning from the people and experiences I encounter. I loved the idea of the Renaissance round tables with artists, and musician and philosophers all gathering around and eating and mingling together. I want to be exposed to exotic and interesting people! I need to be in a dark and warm pub with a pint by a fire hearing funny tales (a benefit of living in Ireland), or hosting a supper club with brilliant and engaging minds who love to debate and share my affection for wine and delicious cheese. But I digress with my idle fantasy's.
It would be easy to say, "just don't hang out with them anymore" but that would not be fair to Gus. I think he benefits sometimes from spending time with these people. They are all going through the same experiences he is, they can complain about classes and professors and papers and be on the same page. He has a niche group and while they might not be as socially adept as I would hope for they are brilliant and they do really appreciate and respect my Herman. Plus if I really reach my limit I just wont organize or scheme, because no one ever plans anything without my social meddling behind it. If not for my constant need for entertainment and excitement I am pretty sure many of these guys would rarely leave the house.
The reality of the situation is you can't mold people into who you want them to be. They remain who they are despite your theme parties (which they claim to be too busy to dress up for) or your dinner invitations (at times which are too late for them to eat). No matter how many texts or emails you send, or how many crazy, fun party schemes you can concoct at the end of the day you are basically left with the go to crew sitting around playing cards. Sometimes Magic cards, because apparently you can be too old for a theme but you are never too old for a 20 sided die and some monster mana. It is enough to make me wail in desperation and self pity just thinking about it.
I know I am going to get lots of suggestions from you guys about things I can do or become involved in to make friends, volunteering, taking a class, etc. (all avenues that I have pursued I can assure you) but as I get older and am constantly dealing with these set backs it hardens me to the new and with every little blow to my esteem I become just a tad more introverted. Not totally I can assure you like I said I can still Pollyanna it with the best of them, but my social situation out here leaves me feeling both inadequate and sad.
I am reassured by the fact that I have a group of ride or die friends dispersed all over who have been there forever through moves, and boys and jobs, and drama and they love me very much and would come to my parties dressed to the nines and ready for anything. They wouldn't bring me wine coolers or blame me for their indiscretions but they would cackle and smile and take pictures without complaining. The knowledge that people like that do exist in the world gives me hope. Seeing the way my mom and dad and their friends interact gives me hope. Knowing that you guys like me just the way I am and that I don't have to wear frumpy clothes, or talk about boring things for hours to make you want to spend time with me gives me confidence that there are circles where people like me are appreciated and revered.
If I change myself, and who I am and how I see things then the negative Nancie's and the boring Bob's of the world win and I simply cannot allow that to happen on my watch. I don't know what the solution to this problem is just yet to be honest with you. I can't stay in this cycle of abuse forever, yet my options are seemingly limited. Hopefully being home for break will give me some of the perspective and confidence back that I so badly need right now. I am looking forward to celebrating the holidays with people who understand the concept of celebration, who want to get up and do crazy dances and tell funny stories and laugh..... alot. Those are my kind of people, and they make the rest of this stuff seem much less important in the long run. Sorry for the rant I told you I won't do it often, but I feel much better getting that out there. Whew.
*deep cleansing breath*
Before I launch into my bitter diatribe I will disclose what I am glad about. First of all I take comfort in knowing that I have incredible friends and family who love me all over the world. Whenever I am in the dregs and completely depressed about my social situation out here I pull up mental images of smiling, hugging, laughing happiness and am immediately soothed. Secondly I have an incredible boyfriend who indulges my need for socializing and is in himself that best company that I could ever ask for. These things give me a constant source of strength and confidence and help taper out my frustrations with the rest of the commoners.
Here is the problem. I love to entertain, that is what I enjoy doing. I love going out to dinner and throwing and attending parties. I love planning for events, and stressing over menu options and what I am going to wear. I really enjoy the process and the actual occasion itself. That is why my job in Williamsburg was perfect for me. It was nothing but a non stop array of parties, weddings and social networking. It was glorious. In that similar spirit I have thrown several large parties at our Elm St. house and countless more little intimate occasions like game nights. At all of these parties I always make sure that there is an abundance of delicious food (often themed around the event) and plenty for everyone to drink taking into consideration allergies and personal preferences. There is also entertainment, a clean warm place to hang out, and we always offer to let people stay the night ( on a comfy well appointed queen sized bed no less!) if they feel like they can't drive. Literally all that I ask of guests at my house is that they show up and entertain me. Not to make them sound like dancing monkey's or anything but I really don't ask very much of people. But apparently these simple little nuances of polite society and proper etiquette are just too much for these brilliant twenty somethings to comprehend or appreciate.
Case in point. I know I shared all of my fun housewarming pictures with you but I don't know if I informed you of the dark side of the housewarming soiree. The invites I sent out specified cocktail attire and in a tongue in cheek way I jokingly wrote "denim need not apply". Not only did I have people arrive in jeans, but I had someone wear a trash bag. An honest to goodness hefty bag pinned up to look like a strapless dress with tights. This guest then went on to use large amounts of profanity among my other guests (some of whom were her professors) and then got drunk (on our top shelf liquor selection) and stuffed cheesecake down my bathtub drain. If you are shaking your head in disgust and asking yourself "really who does that?" then you are not alone.
The second caveat to this party was that we called it a "stock our bar" party understanding full well that the concept of bringing a gift to a housewarming party would be completely lost on the majority of our guests. Of course we did not rely on anyone else to provide the alcohol for the occasion, we had a keg (of a wonderful micro brew, not Natty Light) a festive Sangria, and several bottles of premium liquor to make mixed drinks. It was classy. To help us stock our bar we had guests bring us and I am not making this up bottles of Arbor Mist, Boones Farm, B & J Wine Coolers, and the equivalent of a handle of Aristocrat vodka. Now I am not trying to sound snobby or elitist but this was a cocktail party. Gus wore a tuxedo for crying out loud, wine coolers ?!? What year is this? As if that were not bad enough we had guests then proceed to drink too much, get sick all over our guest room and then had the audacity to blame it on us for having too many options to drink. These people are in their thirties by the by.
I am sure that I come off as obnoxious but I was blown away. Never had I ever seen people act like this anywhere, and I was in a sorority for goodness sakes. I went to my share of crazy parties, and have been a hot mess at times. But I have never blamed the host for my behavior, or purposefully trashed their house out of spite. The question that continues to run through the theme of this entire blog entry will be "who does that?", and the answer my friends is I have no idea.
The reason why I bring up these past indiscretions of my local acquaintances is that these annoyances with these people have not disappeared but have only compounded as the months have gone by. For our housewarming we invited everyone from all of Gus's numerous programs, professors, neighbors, everyone. We threw out a huge net and as a result a wide array of very different groups attended the party. Which is great there is something to be said for having variety at your first big house party. The other thing was that we were able to see who we enjoyed spending time with, and who was just a massive waste of space. Well at least I did. Gus gets along basically with everyone and does not take peoples actions personally the same way I do. It is both an endearing and completely annoying trait. So over the next few months we choose small selective groups to spend time with, over the summer we hosted croquet parties, had cookouts, and got groups together to watch the World Cup matches. All organized by yours truly.
There were lingering frustrations though. First of all I think I resent the fact that I have not gotten to choose our group of friends ( who are really just circumstantial acquaintances). These are people who are in Gus's classes and work in the lab and who he sees on a daily basis. These are not people who were it not for finding ourselves out here in this situation we would normally choose to spend time with, or at least who I would choose to spend time with. These are not people who will be invited (or who would come) to our wedding, or who I would call if my car broke down and I needed someone to come pick me up off the side of the road. These are not people who are interested when I have good news to celebrate, and they have generally written me off as a high maintenance and dramatic member of their super smart and obnoxiously excluding circle. Which is why I think I work that much harder to win them over. It comes from that natural compulsion I have to make everyone like me and think I am great, and really you can't do that all the time because quite frankly it is exhausting.
So I started my own little rebellions, I refuse to go to their little hang out hole in the wall bar because I have always hated it and somehow always leave in tears. Plus it smells super bad. I have worked to become closer to the handful of people whose company I really enjoy and who I would like to be better friends with, at the exclusion perhaps of the "old guard". I have alienated people by becoming more vocal about my disappointments and refusing to be the completely vapid, easy going girlfriend they think I should be. I stirred the pot, and it made me feel good.
A beloved Aunt of mine has a saying that sometimes in life you have to go along to get along, and to a certain point I agree. You can't always be fighting because it gets frustrating and wears you down but you do have to pick your battles and some things are worth getting your feathers fluffed for. To me my happiness out here cannot be completely reliant upon Gus. It just can't be because he is super busy and only one man and yes I can be slightly demanding and high maintenance. Originally much of my unhappiness stemmed from my unemployment and lack of direction. I now have a good job that I enjoy that I don't have to be ashamed to put on a resume and will help me later on in life so now my focus has shifted. I am in the best relationship ever, and I have a great job why can't I just be happy with the blessings I am given I constantly ask myself. But the flip side of that is that I am lonely. I live very far from my support group, Gus works 70 hour weeks and I am left with lots of time just by myself. That is when you need friends. You need to be able to call someone to see a movie, or go to the mall or just to come over and sit in pajamas and watch bad reality television. I need that, I am not an island of one for crying out loud!
The problem is that you can't go trolling bars for girlfriends, a suggestion that Gus has repeatedly offered up as the solution to my conundrum to which he gets an eye roll and a prolonged deep sigh. I joined something online called "Meet - Up" which has been fun and I have gone to a few of their events, but they are much older than I am and most are at very different points in their lives with babies and husbands and gross grown up responsibilities. I have been trying to strengthen some friendships with girls in Gus's clinical program but they are super uber busy just like him and you have to plan things weeks in advance if you want to see them. Plus ironically the counseling kids are super dramatic to the point where my mother upon hearing of their latest scandal referred to it as 'middle school-ish". Well said Momma Greene. It is hard to get to invested in the mindless squabbling of people you don't really care about. I might as well spend that time watching the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, it is the same level of inane but the women are at least better dressed.
I told you this was going to be a catty, whiny post. But I am being brutally honest.
The straw that finally broke the camels back was this weekend. We had a small get together for an "Ugly Sweater Christmas Party" I offered to host the party after the original hostess got too overwhelmed trying to cater to all the drama of her group. Instead of having an awkward, estranged party we just opted to have it on Elm St. where the guest list would be up to my discretion and no drama would be allowed. Last Monday I sent an email out to 13 carefully selected people who I enjoy spending time with and who have proved themselves fun and entertaining in the past. As of Saturday at 5 I had received an R.S.V.P. from two of those guests, or 15% of the party. Now of course I am always going to have enough food and alcohol for everyone regardless, but had I gone by my last count of people who said they were coming I would have had a five person party. When it was all said and done that night we had twelve other people show up. Two who were not invited and no one even thought to text me and see if it was alright if they brought a friend. I realize I sound like I am really splitting hairs (holy cliche Batman) but it is rude. No one apologized, my hostess gift was a half eaten bakery Red Velvet cake (who does that?) and the party went on with me constantly in the kitchen mixing drinks and cleaning up.
It wound up being a fun night and I am glad we did it but every time I entertain I grow a little bit more wary, and a great deal more disappointed. It is not funny to joke about domestic violence but the only thing I can compare it to is being in an abusive relationship with yourself essentially. Every time I put my heart and soul in to a party or occasion only to be upset with the glaring reality of my current situation. Yet I keep coming back from more refusing to learn my lessons..The exception to this I must add was our recent home tour which had virtually no friend interaction, and had the awesome overarching glow of my mothers amazingness so that event could not be tainted.
Isn't the very definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over expecting different results? Do I ever learn? To me becoming a hermit and sitting in the basement alone with my puppy and my glue gun is not an option. I need people and excitement. I need to be out in the world living life and learning from the people and experiences I encounter. I loved the idea of the Renaissance round tables with artists, and musician and philosophers all gathering around and eating and mingling together. I want to be exposed to exotic and interesting people! I need to be in a dark and warm pub with a pint by a fire hearing funny tales (a benefit of living in Ireland), or hosting a supper club with brilliant and engaging minds who love to debate and share my affection for wine and delicious cheese. But I digress with my idle fantasy's.
It would be easy to say, "just don't hang out with them anymore" but that would not be fair to Gus. I think he benefits sometimes from spending time with these people. They are all going through the same experiences he is, they can complain about classes and professors and papers and be on the same page. He has a niche group and while they might not be as socially adept as I would hope for they are brilliant and they do really appreciate and respect my Herman. Plus if I really reach my limit I just wont organize or scheme, because no one ever plans anything without my social meddling behind it. If not for my constant need for entertainment and excitement I am pretty sure many of these guys would rarely leave the house.
The reality of the situation is you can't mold people into who you want them to be. They remain who they are despite your theme parties (which they claim to be too busy to dress up for) or your dinner invitations (at times which are too late for them to eat). No matter how many texts or emails you send, or how many crazy, fun party schemes you can concoct at the end of the day you are basically left with the go to crew sitting around playing cards. Sometimes Magic cards, because apparently you can be too old for a theme but you are never too old for a 20 sided die and some monster mana. It is enough to make me wail in desperation and self pity just thinking about it.
I know I am going to get lots of suggestions from you guys about things I can do or become involved in to make friends, volunteering, taking a class, etc. (all avenues that I have pursued I can assure you) but as I get older and am constantly dealing with these set backs it hardens me to the new and with every little blow to my esteem I become just a tad more introverted. Not totally I can assure you like I said I can still Pollyanna it with the best of them, but my social situation out here leaves me feeling both inadequate and sad.
I am reassured by the fact that I have a group of ride or die friends dispersed all over who have been there forever through moves, and boys and jobs, and drama and they love me very much and would come to my parties dressed to the nines and ready for anything. They wouldn't bring me wine coolers or blame me for their indiscretions but they would cackle and smile and take pictures without complaining. The knowledge that people like that do exist in the world gives me hope. Seeing the way my mom and dad and their friends interact gives me hope. Knowing that you guys like me just the way I am and that I don't have to wear frumpy clothes, or talk about boring things for hours to make you want to spend time with me gives me confidence that there are circles where people like me are appreciated and revered.
If I change myself, and who I am and how I see things then the negative Nancie's and the boring Bob's of the world win and I simply cannot allow that to happen on my watch. I don't know what the solution to this problem is just yet to be honest with you. I can't stay in this cycle of abuse forever, yet my options are seemingly limited. Hopefully being home for break will give me some of the perspective and confidence back that I so badly need right now. I am looking forward to celebrating the holidays with people who understand the concept of celebration, who want to get up and do crazy dances and tell funny stories and laugh..... alot. Those are my kind of people, and they make the rest of this stuff seem much less important in the long run. Sorry for the rant I told you I won't do it often, but I feel much better getting that out there. Whew.
*deep cleansing breath*
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