Let's get one thing straight. I hate working out. I dread it. I come up with every excuse in the whole universe to not go to the gym. The clothes suck, there is no way to look glamorous when you are all sweaty and red, and my hair gets all crazy and frizzy. There are fluorescent lights, crazy house music, and people with either way better bodies than mine, or way worse and either way I feel guilty for judging/ trying my hardest not to stare.
That being said I have to work out. My family has a history of heart disease and type 2 diabetes. Also, I like to fit into my clothes and am deathly afraid of my 1.5 chins slowly morphing into 2.5 chins, thus I work out. I have to. There is no option or plan b for this little ginger kid. So how does one talk/cajole/barters/etc someone into doing something they really don't enjoy doing? The answer of fear of losing a limb or being on statens your whole life apparently not being enough of a motivational factor in itself. The answer lies in my inherent slothfulness. The answer lies in the power of television.
I belong to a Gold's Gym out here in So.Ill, it is a really nice gym actually pretty new and relatively close. Don't get me wrong it was nothing like my YMCA back in the Burg and I long for those glory days frequently. All the cardio machines had their own little tv's with full cable and you never had to fight with any crabby old men over the remote control. Not so much anymore though. At my Gold's they have something called a "cardio theater" which is essentially just a bunch of televisions in a row on the wall. They are usually tuned to awful things like Fox News or ESPN. Something about white dudes and those stations, it's like their crack. I have figured out the perfect system of timing my gym visits so as to purposefully coincide with times that people don't like to work out but sometimes a few of these old gray haired right wing nut jobs still manage to sneak through the cracks.
Now once I have cajoled, pep-talked, and bribed myself into getting to the gym my next step is to set up my televisions. I am like a little remote elf and turn all the tvs only to things I would actually wish to see, mostly my line up consists of E!, HGTV, Bravo, MTV, TLC and if there is nothing else on SVU marathons on USA. So much television you say! And AWFUL television. Teen Mom, Teen Mom 2, Sixteen and Pregnant, Don't Be Tardy for the Wedding, anything with a Kardashian/Playmate involved. Real Housewives of wherever, Done and done. There is no judgement because watching these mindless shows gets me through the cardio, I don't realize I am sweaty and gross and instead get swept away in the fake reality of so many sex tape starlets. I love it.
It is escapism at its finest. When I am home alone, bored and flipping through the channels it is imperative that I look deep within myself and ask ,why don't you just watch this at the gym? Sometimes if I see a special or "season finale" I will do my best to be in the gym when it airs. Better to be watching filth while you're moving right? I find that this tactic has worked wonders. If I can blend something I love doing (mindless terrible television) with something I hate doing (nasty, sweaty cardio) then I am essentially making the best of both worlds. Now there are people in this world the genuinely love to work out, cross fit, marathons, all sorts of things and I wish there was a switch I could flip and just magically be one of those people but I am just not, the will to move will always be a struggle to me and whatever tips and tricks I can use to manipulate myself into activity I will employ.
After I have gone through all this mental preparation though do not even get me started on what happens when one of these Fox news dudes comes over and changes one of my tv's from My Big Fat Gyspy Wedding to batshit crazy and company (I think that might be an actual show on there) because it is not a pretty site at all. Indignant "AHEMS" and lots of side eye go very far in large open spaces :)
Happy elipticizing all, may your television stay trashy and your Republican shaming stay classy!
Amen to that!
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